Foufounes urinals

Staple Montreal dive bar Foufounes Electriques absolutely delivers when it comes to grungy basement urinals

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Jimmy Jazz

Jimmy Jazz was the final stop of my whirlwind tour of Guelph and I was very pleased with the quality of dive they had going on inside these dunnies. As avid Toilographers know, each time I come across heavily-graffitied washroom walls I like to take note of their many words of wisdom – there were certainly some philosophical & existential corkers here at the Jazz.

Education is a system of imposed ignorance. – N. Chomsky

It’s no good measure of health, to be found to be well-adjusted in a profoundly sick society. – J. Krishnamurti

The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. – Edward Bernays

Sorry, damaged my shitty hipster love in a car accident
– Dude, fuck off, you’re at the Jazz
– It’s ok, no one cares
– Here’s to the few who forgive what you do and the few who don’t even care

Antisocial behaviour is a trait of intelligence in a world full of conformists. – Nikola Tesla

Terrorism is the best political weapon for nothing drives people harder than a fear of sudden death… if you repeat a lie big enough, long enough and often enough then the people will eventually believe the lie. They are more likely to believe a big lie than a small one. – Adolph Hitler

Jimmy’s Jazz didn’t taste as good as my dads
– Multiple dads?

No doubt I’m cooler than your cooler full of Palm Bays
– But what about my fridge?

RIP Uncle Anus

Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all. – Aristotle

If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy…
If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing…
Blah blah. – Bob Marley

Watching TV is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. – Bill Hicks

I’m not taking a shit! I’m leaving one.

Fear is your only god!
– Except those who fear God

He who fucks nuns will later join the church. – J. Strummer

I’m in love with a ghost girl, all alone in a lonely world

There is a demon in me and I can’t separate my flesh so when it crawls onto you just know I want to hold my breath
– Give your balls a tug, make sure they’re still attached

This entire room used to be filled with intelligent, beautiful quotes. WTF, Jazz?

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. – Martin Luther King

[Spoken in Spanish accent]
Amigo, there seems to be copious amounts of shite written on these walls by pseudo-intellectuals quoting famous people… which seems rather ironic to me since we’re in a room littered, literally, with a lot of written figurative shit.
¿Comprende?


Van Gogh’s Ear

A beautifully grimy Guelph mens room at Van Gogh’s Ear


Lola

I went to this bar Lola the other day in my beloved Kensington Market; the friendly bartender approved of my Halloween plans to dress as a slutty ghost and watch Rocky Horror.

Anyway… here are some words of wisdom from the Lola walls:

“Dead or alive, you are coming with me”

“Shithawk loves u”

“Just like the bleach on God’s teeth”

And the rather inspiring “Cease your fretting, you’re beautiful and flawless and all. Forget thy past, live for the moment, thrive for the future”


Solly’s

I was waiting in line to get in, finally the door opened and FOUR girls exited this cramped stall, I have no idea what they were doing in there or how they all fit inside. The last one laughed and said to me “there’s still one more to come!”

Anyway, there were a few good words of wisdom on the walls here at Solly’s, DC:

“Protest against the rising of conformity”

“And all the colors mix together to grey, and it breaks her heart” (Dave Matthews lyrics)

“We love them in leather, we love them in lace, we love them best when they sit on our face”

“Beaner sucks wiener”

“If you’re mad about Trump, remember that 2020 is far away”

“Shit on the floor”

And one for the readers out there, “The librarians rule the world”


Ottobar graffiti

On the way back to the train station I managed to duck into Ottobar for a quick peek at their impressive floor-to-ceiling graffitied restrooms. Now this is a cool room to relieve yourself in.

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Thanks Baltimore for the stupendous shitters – I really wish I had more time to spend here, one day wasn’t enough. I might be back one day…


Vulgar toilet at the Cat’s Eye

I was a few beers in by now and decided to pace myself by ordering a Sprite at the Cat’s Eye, to which the barmaid scoffed and refused to accept payment presumably out of sympathy.

The self-named Shit House Wall Of the Cat’s Eye Pub was brilliantly vulgar – one of the best I’d come across in ages – featuring poetry and other such words of wisdom including:

You Cunt

You Prick

Pig Fucker

While Your Reading This Your Probably Pissing On Your Shoes
(yes, somebody had corrected the your’s)

Eat Shit. 50 Trillion Flies Can’t Be Wrong

Snow On The Mountain, Smokes In The Grass
Old Man Died With A Cob In His Ass
Cob Fell Out And Wind Blew In
Old Man Came To Life Again

Shit Fuck Ass Turd

Tittys Tittys Tittys

There Was A Young Queen From Bulgaria
Whose Pussy Got Hairier And Hairier
Till The King From Peru
Stopped By For A Screw
Had To Hunt For Her Cunt With A Terrier

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 Now go rinse your eyes out with soap